The Secret Life of Jesse Saint James
by LaPaige
Summary: And then Rachel Berry comes into his life in a swirl of colour and talent and just a little bit of annoyance.
1. One

**Hello! Wow, it's been forever since I posted something, and I am so glad to finally write again. This is my 100th (yeah, I still can't belive it) fic on this site and I've loved every minute of being a member - I've made some amazing friends and I hope to make more in the future. **

**So I hope you enjoy this, and I hope you're still with me after such a long time of no updates and my exams (of which I only have one more before relaxing!)**

**This is only the first part, and I hope that the second and final part of this within the next month!**

**This is all for **s i l v e r a u r o r a** (Ellie) because she is amazing and listened to me rant about this over and over, and lied and told me it was all okay and she didn't mind one bit. As soon as you finish reading this you have to go right over to Ellie's profile and read every single one of her fics - they are worth it. Seriously. Thank you a million times for being so amazing.**

_

* * *

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_and who will tell me how it ends, and how it all begins_

**i.**

Jesse is six and standing at the front of a sea of black.

That is all he can see – black hats, black dresses, black nail varnish.

He wants colour, he wants smiles, he wants someone to pick him up and hold him close and whisper that it will all be okay. But that person is his mother, and she is gone (and no one will tell him _why_). She is (was) the only constant in his life, not like his daddy who works more than he sees his son and daughter, or his aunty Louise who shouts a lot, or his cousin Jamie who smiles at him and says 'hi, Kiddo' but forgets his birthday every year.

He sits next to Grace, his twin, his second-constant, and holds her hand. He entwines their fingers, a habit they both have, something that has always been their little thing. They have no handshake, no hand gesture. Just this.

And that's all Jesse has ever known, really. How to make his sister smile, how to make his dad angry (well, he doesn't know that, but it seems just _being _makes his dad furious) and how to sing.

**ii.**

Jesse is seven years old and is singing in the school choir.

Grace is watching him, swinging her legs as she sits on the chair in the corner, the only person allowed in the rehearsal that isn't part of the group. She pulls faces when Jesse glances at her and, when Miss Bachelor isn't looking, he sticks his tongue out or crosses his eyes. When they finish singing the last song on the list, all the children rush out, eager to go home. Jesse is slower, heading to Grace at a deliberate pace. His father is hardly ever at home, so Grace and Jesse have to let themselves in using the key under the flowerpot.

"Jesse, can you come here for a second?"

Jesse sends Grace a frightened look. Mrs Bachelor must have seen him pulling faces at his twin. He heads back towards the teacher, trying to pretend that he has no idea what she wants. Jamie taught him how to cross his eyes last summer when they were climbing trees and Jesse's mother was still a constant.

"Jesse I think you have a remarkable talent," she says, and it's then that Jesse realises she is smiling. "How would you like to sing the solo next week?"

Jesse is seven years old, the second youngest in the whole choir after Summer, whose birthday is thirty-three days after his. Everybody knows that the younger people _never _sing solo.

He remembers when his mom read him the first Harry Potter book a few weeks before she died, and realises that Harry Potter must have felt like this when he became Seeker.

**iii.**

Jesse and Grace's eighth birthday is on a Sunday. They share a bedroom and Jesse wakes up first. He stares at the ceiling, with the fake stars that Grace stuck there glowing in the darkness. It's winter, December fifteenth, and normally Jesse never sees the stars glowing in the morning.

"Happy birthday, Grace." He whispers, looking at his sister and for a small second thinking _she looks exactly like momma._

"Happy birthday, Jess." Is the whispered reply, and Jesse realises she's been awake the whole time.

The distance between their beds is tiny, so Jesse reaches out with his hand and Grace clutches it even though she's still half asleep.

**iv.**

Grace and Jesse are separated in fourth grade.

Jesse and Grace walk into class together and go to sit next to each other, but before they can Miss Fletcher walks over and "don't you think it would be nice if you got to know other people?"

No, Jesse thinks, he doesn't think it would be nice at all.

But he finds himself sitting next to Justin Cooper anyway, who copies his work and asks him questions like "so, you're the kid with the dead mom?" and "what's up with your dad, anyway?"

Jesse doesn't answer the questions and stays perfectly still, eyes focused on the board as Miss Fletcher talks about math. Justin gives up and starts throwing paper balls at the boy in front, who flinches but doesn't turn around and confront him.

No, Jesse thinks, this isn't nice at all.

**v.**

At lunch time Jesse finds himself being pushed onto the playground by Justin and his two friends Mike and Oliver.

"You are such a freak!" Oliver takes the delight in telling him, and Jesse closes his eyes and wishes that he could just go home. "You mom hated you, and so does your dad!"

_It's not true; it's not true_ Jesse chants, his hands curled into fists that he'll never use. He doesn't want to hurt them because he's then they'll just hurt him more.

"And you sing in the choir because you're a _girl." _Justin adds, and Jesse screws his eyes shut even tighter until it hurts. If he can't see them maybe it won't hurt as much.

"Jesse is a –" The three boys' chant comes to a halt with the sound of a shout:

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!"

Jesse opens his eyes in fright and finds his sister, eyes wild, running towards them. She grabs Oliver first, pushing him to the ground, before hitting Justin and Mike. Jesse watches, unable to move. His sister is screaming and shouting, clearly upset.

"Gracie, stop!" He finally manages to say, but it's too late because Mr Cera is running towards them, a stern look on his face.

"Grace, Jesse, come with me. And you three better come too." He says to the three bullies, who are lying in a pathetic heap on the ground. Grace blinks up at the teacher, realising too late that she's in serious trouble. She grabs Jesse's hand though, holding her nine year old head high as she walks.

"They deserved it, Jessie." She whispers as she entwines their fingers.

The next day Grace sits next to Jesse and Justin sits by himself at the front of the class.

**vi.**

The first performance Jesse does with the choir is 'Amazing Grace'. Its three weeks after his sister attacked Justin and his friends, and the irony of the song is not lost on him.

Grace sits at the front, and Jesse has to look above her head because she keeps making faces and he doesn't want to burst out laughing. His dad isn't there, but he didn't expect it so he keeps singing. At the end Grace applauds the loudest, shouting his name and smiling brightly. Jesse grins back, waving slightly.

After 'Amazing Grace', Jesse has his solo. Mrs Bachelor let him chose the song, and so Jesse picked the one song that reminded him of his momma. He steps to the front of the group and focus' on Grace this time, because she's stopped making faces and instead there are tears in her eyes. Jesse knows that she remembers too.

He finishes his momma's lullaby and gives a watery smile at the loud applause. Grace runs up and hugs him, and nobody stops her. The hold each other, two children clutching on to the one person they have left.

His sister is his favourite person in the whole world, even if he is nine years old and too old to have a girl for a best friend.

**vii.**

In his first year at middle school, Jesse punches Sam Moreno in the face.

"Jesse James," the principle says with a sigh, "I know why you did it but you have to know this is not acceptable. I know Sam was being mean to Grace and I know you too are close, but you have to learn to control your anger. You have to learn that there will be punishment. I'm sending you home for the day, and your solo has been given to Charlie –"

"But Sir-" Jesse protests, angry. Sam Moreno _deserved _to be punched in the face. "Me punching Sam has nothing to do with my solo, or my singing! It's not fair to take the solo away from me!"

"I'm sorry, Jesse. They'll be other solos. Unfortunately for Sam, there isn't a quick fix for a broken nose. You're a good kid, and I'm aware that this week is going to be hard for you considering, but that doesn't give you an excuse to lash out. Now your dad is picking you up in five minutes and I expect to see you apologize to Sam tomorrow, got it?"

Jesse nods. He likes the principle, he really does, but he still thinks it's unfair. "Thank you, sir." He says, heading back through to the office. He wonders who'll drive him home when his dad doesn't turn up, and who Grace will walk home with now he won't be there with her.

**viii.**

"Jesse! That was _awesome!_ If I knew you could punch like that I wouldn't have beaten the crap out of those bullies back in fourth grade!"

Grace laughs, pulling her brother into a hug.

"Hey, he was hurting my little sister, he deserved it," Jesse replies, returning the hug and smiling.

"You're a saint, Jess. Saint Jesse James!" Grace laughs again, sitting down on her bed.

"I think Jesse Saint James has a nicer ring, personally." Jesse replies, pulling a face. Grace nods enthusiastically.

"I am the sister of Jesse Saint James!" She declares proudly, and she continues to giggle before her eyes rest on the picture in the corner. It's of their mother, eyes shining and mouth smiling happily while Grace and Jesse, five years old, sit right beside her.

"I think she'd be proud of you, Gracie." Jesse says, because his sister is the smartest person he knows and this week has been hard for both of them.

"We're visiting tomorrow, right?" Grace says, making no implication that she heard what Jesse said.

"Of course we are," Jesse replies firmly, sitting beside his twin and entwining their fingers. They both stare at the picture, trying to remember the woman who, with every passing day, they forget a little more.

**ix.**

The gravestone reads _Maria James, loving mother, wife and daughter. She will be missed._

Jesse and Grace set the flowers down on the soil. Grace speaks first, always has since they started visiting a few months after the accident, every Sunday. Though today is a Wednesday, and it's a little unfamiliar.

"Hey mom. It's been six years now and I suppose it's easier. I get scared every morning when I wake up because I forget you a little more. It's terrifying that one day the only memories I'll have will be photographs. I miss you a lot, we all do. I wish every day that maybe … that … well I suppose wishing won't change much, right? I love you momma, forever and always."

Jesse tries to speak but suddenly everything is black. That is all he can see – black hats, black dresses, black nail varnish. He remembers the funeral, the sympathy, the confusion. He chokes, his throat clogged up and his brain full of memories. Grace calls his name and he stumbles backwards, away from the grave, away from his sister.

He's two years old, his mother laughing as she finds him covered in flour in the kitchen. He's three, and his mom is singing his lullaby. He's four and watching Cinderella, singing along with his family. He's five and he's climbing up the tree in the backyard with Jamie's help, his mother calling to be careful. He's six and he's sitting at the front pew with Grace and nobody will tell him where his momma has gone, why she's not with him.

"Momma," he cries, and he forgets that he's twelve years old because he's only six, really. He can't grow up, because growing up means leaving his mom behind.

Grace holds him and they stand together, crying for everything they've lost – everything that's been left behind.

**x.**

In eighth grade Jesse meets Kurt Hummel.

It's brief, and he hardly remembers it until tenth grade, when he's standing at the front of a classroom and saying he's transferred. Grace is at her friend's house, and so Jesse visits his mother. It's a Friday, and he assumes he'll be alone, but there's one person standing next to him, to the grave on the left of his mother's. He turns slightly and catches a glimpse of a boy his age or a little younger.

He doesn't say anything, just places down the flowers he bought for his mother's grave and shuffles slightly to make his presence known. The boy turns and Jesse was right – he is a little younger.

"Hi," he mumbles, uncomfortable. The boy blinks and nods slightly.

"Hey," he replies, before pausing and adding "I'm Kurt."

"Jesse." Jesse says, and then he waits a while and indicates the gravestone, "my mother," he says to Kurt, though he doesn't really know why he's explaining anything to some guy in a graveyard. It sounds like the beginning of a horror movie, but Kurt looks like one of the kids that gets bullied daily in high school so Jesse thinks he's probably safe.

"Snap," Kurt replies, nodding at the headstone he's closest too.

The two boys are silent for a long time before Kurt says he has to go.

"Yeah," Jesse replies, "me too."

"See you around." Kurt adds, though they both doubt they actually will, much less acknowledge each other. But Jesse smiles softly anyway and replies:

"Yeah, see you."

**xi.**

In the summer before ninth grade, Jesse gets a new look. Grace doesn't approve, and it's the first thing he's done that has angered his sister in a long time, if not forever.

He changes everything in his wardrobe for something dark, mostly black. Highschool is not going to be easy, he knows, and he figures that if he wears dark, and if he keeps his head down, the bullies will leave him the hell alone.

He's not stupid, he knows that singing in a choir, or singing at all, labels him. So he becomes a walking contradiction – the choir boy who dresses like a badass.

Grace takes one look at him and rolls her eyes. "Jesse, just be who you are. Be a dork!"

"This _is _who I am." Jesse says firmly. Maybe if he says it enough he'll actually start to believe it.

**xii.**

The first day of freshman year, Jesse walks in on a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal.

He stands at the back of the auditorium and watches, his eyes wide. They are flawless, and he realises that all this time he's been in a choir when he could be doing _this._

Afterwards, when most of the students have gone to enjoy the final two minutes they have left of lunch, Jesse feels a tap on his shoulder. He didn't hear anyone behind him so he whirls around, nearly losing his footing. The woman is who Jesse saw just a few minutes earlier telling the students that their flawless routine wasn't good enough.

"Kid, I'm sorry to break your bubble but your lesson starts in" she checks her watch before saying "one minute and thirty three seconds, so you better get a move on. What's your name?"

He remembers Grace after he punched Sam in the face and grins, knowing that even if she is pissed at him for the whole wardrobe transplant, at least he can give her something to smile about.

"I'm Jesse Saint James."

**xiii.**

He's the youngest person to ever be in Vocal Adrenaline and suddenly people respect him.

Singing is what he _does, _and suddenly failing History doesn't seem so bad. Shelby's mood definitely improves when Jesse joins the team, and although this does cause jealously nobody acts on it, which Jesse is grateful for. He learns quickly because he watches every move, every emotion, every hand gesture. Soon he can do routine after routine without glancing to check he's doing it right. Vocal Adrenaline is a _cool _thing to be a member of, and although Jesse didn't expect that at all, the smiles he gets speak for themselves.

He doesn't complain when people say hi to him, because he's popular (for once), even if his best friend _is_ stillGrace, who walks beside him and mutters under her breath when the football team ruffle Jesse's hair.

"For God's sake, you're fifteen, not five." She grumbles, but Jesse just nudges her slightly with his shoulder and smiles.

"It's a sign of respect!" He adds later, when one of the senior's repeats the hair ruffling again.

Grace just looks at him, and it's obvious that she can see through him. She knows he hates people messing up his hair. He laughs at her, and as they leave the corridor and start walking home he grabs her into a one armed hug.

"I still think you look stupid dressed in black." She says in response, but she doesn't shrug off his arm.

**xiv.**

It's a Friday when it first happens.

Grace has gone to her friend's for a sleepover and so Jesse is walking home alone, trying to prolong the journey as much as possible so he doesn't have to face his father.

He's just about to exit the school when an arm grabs him and he tumbles backwards.

"Shut up, newbie."

Well, that's pleasant, especially considering Jesse didn't say anything. He looks up and recognises the face – it's the co-leader of VA, Adam, and Jesse is pretty sure he's been failed in various classes more than once so he can stay and sing solo.

"Um," Jesse says, unsure what is happening. Then he hears snickers and turns to see the rest of VA, all with their hands closed around something. Jesse isn't quite sure he wants to know what they are, but then he hears Adam whispering again:

"So here's how it is, kid. You are going to help us egg this kid, and you're going to be badass. If you don't help us, you're out. We'll tell Shelby you were a mistake, and she won't even blink. Got that?"

Jesse blinks, stunned. Adam nods, seemingly for Jesse himself, and places an egg in Jesse's hand.

"Now or never, kid."

And then Jesse comes face to face with Tony, the guy in his English class. Tony is trembling as he stands there, unsure where to look. His eyes land on Jesse and suddenly Jesse realises what this means. He either inflicts pain on Tony or Vocal Adrenaline inflicts pain on him.

Jesse wishes it was a hard choice to make, but really it's easy. After all, singing is all he's got, and if he has to be badass then so be it.

"Well, go on, newbie."

His hesitation is slight before he aims at Tony, aiming for where it'll hopefully hurt the least. He feels like it should be in slow motion, but instead he throws the egg and it all happens pretty quickly. His throw is the trigger and within milliseconds every single member of VA had egged Tony.

Everyone else leaves, laughing loudly. Soon it's only Tony and Jesse, but Tony is staring at the floor, egg yolk dripping down his face, shells cracked on the floor.

"Tony I-"

Jesse wants to say 'I'm sorry' to the trembling boy in front of him, but he can't. Because after all, now he's a respected member of Vocal Adrenaline, and that's all that counts. Right?

So when Tony looks up to meet his gaze, Jesse doesn't say one word.

He just turns and walks away.

**xv.**

The response is almost instant. Within days Shelby gives him a few solo lines, and Jesse wonders what the other members told her, but doesn't question it. He's ecstatic, and so is Grace, who seems to think that three solo lines mean he's suddenly the next big thing for Carmel High. He practises in his room, making Grace listen over and over and when he finally performs he's never felt better.

That's when he finally realises. He's standing on the stage, after the song, and Shelby is smiling and praising them all. Her eyes land on Jesse as she says "I'm proud of you guys" and Grace is standing quietly at the back smiling and giving him the thumbs up. Its then that Jesse finally, truly realises that singing is who he is and what he wants to do.

He'll become a singer, he _knows _it. And nothing is going to get in his way.

**xvi.**

By the third egging, his hands stop shaking and he stops hesitating _(and his heart stops thumping so hard he feels like he can't breathe)._ It becomes a routine, almost, and that scares Jesse more than anything else. That now he doesn't even flinch when Adam grabs him and tells him about the new victim – that he expects it. Except when, on the last week of freshman year, the victim of the cruel prank is someone he knows.

It's Grace's friend, Emily, and she looks like she's going to burst into tears. Jesse feels his stomach curl and his hands start shaking, just like they did when his eyes met Tony's weeks ago.

"Well, what are you waiting for, Jesse?"

Jesse can't answer that question. He can't say anything, because Emily is looking at him with eyes that say _please_ and all he can see is Grace's face, how angry she'll be, how she'll yell and scream and tell him _you've_ _changed, Jesse, what happened?_

So he can't do it. He turns, faces Adam and uncurls his fingers, dropping the egg to the floor.

He doesn't speak, but words don't need to be spoken. Adam glares at him before nodding to the other members, who laugh and turn their prank on Jesse. He feels the eggs crack in his hair and on his face, wincing on the impact. He feels like crying but he's Jesse St. James and there is no way he's crying over this.

Within two minutes it's over, and the people he thought were his friends have walked away. Their laugher is ringing in his ears and Jesse wants to scream at them, punch Adam until he bleeds, but he stays where he is. He may be kicked out of Vocal Adrenaline, but the one person that means more to him than singing is Grace and if he went through with pranking Emily he knows that she'll stop talking to him - and silence cuts into him much more than anger.

His eyes have closed and he doesn't realise until he feels someone touch his arm lightly. His eyes open and he comes face to face with Emily, who is smiling at him, thankful.

"I'm sorry they did that to you – I didn't know they would-"

"It's … okay. Just ... can you not tell Grace about this?" Jesse doesn't smile. He didn't do it for Emily, but he doesn't tell her that.

Emily nods, an expression of understanding crossing her face."Well … thank you. I really do appreciate it. And I _am _sorry."

And then she kisses his cheek and walks away, leaving Jesse standing in a circle of egg shells and broken dreams.

**xvii.**

Adam emails him the next day.

Jesse has no idea how Adam got his email, and he's tempted to delete it, but he opens it anyway.

_Congrats, Jesse._

_You screwed up. Lucky for you that you have one more chance. Pull a stunt like that again and I can assure you that we won't just kick your sorry ass out of Vocal, but we'll make your life hell._

_See you tomorrow, and don't even think about bringing up anything about yesterday to anyone._

_A._

Jesse can only see the words 'one more chance' and he smiles so much that it hurts.

**xviii.**

Freshman year finishes without any more pranks, which both encourages and scares Jesse. As promised there is no word about the egging, but instead, to his surprise, Jesse gets a solo. It's to be performed at a welcome back concert at the start of his Sophomore year.

"Don't screw it up, kid." Shelby says as she hands over the lyrics to a song Jesse is unfamiliar with. He reads them as he leaves the auditorium and wonders how Shelby thinks this makes a good welcome back song. The lyrics are good though, beautiful even, and Jesse has never been more proud of himself than in that moment.

**xix.**

"_who will I belong to when the day just won't give in_"

He sings the solo on the first day back – there is a welcome back school assembly where everyone is packed into the hall. Jesse can sees all the irritated looks from where he is standing behind the stage, and when he walks on everyone goes deadly quiet. It would be frightening, but Jesse knows he's better than most the people in here – and he's not even being vain by saying so.

So he stands in the centre of the stage (_spotlight_) and feels like a nine year old, singing Amazing Grace all over again, but instead the words he's singing are much closer to home.

So he sings the final line with his head held high and, for once, his heart on his sleeve.

"_I'm only human"_

**xx.**

Shelby calls him back on a Friday after rehearsal.

It's March and Grace is waiting for him outside but Shelby looks a little worried and that's enough to make Jesse follow to the side of the stage.

"You're familiar with William McKinley?" Shelby asks, and Jesse hopes she means the school because he's nodding.

And so Shelby tells him about her long-lost daughter who isn't really lost at all, and for a while Jesse thinks she's joking, though he has no idea why she'd joke about a surrogate daughter of all things.

"And I was wondering, Jesse, if you could find her for me?"

Jesse wants to say no. He wants to say 'do it yourself, she's none of my business'. He wants to turn around and walk away. But instead he looks into Shelby's tear filled eyes. If he does this, surely she'd owe him? So he gives his best fake smile and hopes this is damn well worth it. The word tumbles from his lips and lights up Shelby's face for the briefest moment.

"Yes."

**xxi.**

And then Rachel Berry comes into his life in a swirl of colour and talent and just a little bit of annoyance.

Jesse assumes this is where it all goes wrong.


	2. Two

**xxii.**

It is strategically planned. Every single thing – to exactly when he smiles, to the moment he pulls the book down to see her face, to the moment he says: "Jesse Saint James". In fact, he even planned her reaction which is almost spot on – she _does_ blush and introduce herself, but what Jesse didn't expect was the slight flash of distrust in her eyes right before she shakes his hand. He shrugs it off and heads to the piano, singing Lionel Riche with her. Her voice is a little off, a little too high, a little too pitchy. But the emotion in her voice is enough to make her sound perfect to him.

**xxiii.**

Rachel Berry is slightly crazy.

She's loud and obnoxious and sometimes rude, but she's very talented and Jesse admires her because in a way she's his female counterpart – except not really the counter, because she's just like him and it sort of hurts. She talks a lot about being a star, and Jesse listens, at first annoyed but then slightly intrigued (don't tell anyone) because she _is_ so like Shelby.

A few days after he meets her they're sitting in her kitchen. Rachel's studying and Jesse is watching her, smiling slightly at how much she's concentrating. He wonders if Shelby wants him to simply befriend her, or something more. Rachel has fallen for him – she fell for him the moment they sung in the music shop, but Jesse doesn't know this part of the plan. He figures that if she's already fallen for him then there isn't much he can do. She flings her pen down suddenly, always the diva, and stares straight at him and says: "I shouldn't associate with the enemy."

Jesse doesn't expect an outburst from her, especially while she's focusing on Spanish homework. He ignores the way his heart speeds up and how his brain tells him _crap, she's figured you out!_ Instead he smirks and leans back in the chair slightly. He's Jesse Saint James right now, not Jesse. He's arrogant and too talented to be stuck in Ohio.

"I'm not your enemy, Rachel. I'm just someone who happens to be on a different team. Besides, it's not like I'm stealing set lists."

Rachel's mouth opens in horror. Wrong thing to say, obviously.

"You … you're here for the set list?"

"… I think I _just_ said I wasn't here for that, Rachel. I like you. Even if you are 'the enemy', as you put it. Now get back to your homework!"

Rachel smiles at him and the crisis is averted. Jesse ignores the feeling in his stomach that feels a lot like guilt.

**xxiv.**

"So who's Rachel?" Grace asks on Saturday, walking into Jesse's bedroom with his phone in hand. She's obviously reading his texts, because Jesse has been careful about Grace finding out about Shelby's mission, or about Rachel at all.

"I'm pretty sure that's my phone." Jesse responds, standing and attempting to grab it. Grace is too quick and ducks under his arm, eyes scanning every text.

"Grace! That's really none of your" Jesse grabs the phone in triumph and finishes: "business."

"So she's someone you need to keep a secret, right? Meaning she's either someone you think I won't like, someone you shouldn't be with or both."

Jesse wonders when Grace became Sherlock Holmes, and hurriedly puts a password on his phone that she won't guess very quickly.

"Or neither. Maybe I just met her and want to wait before I know it's serious before you meet her." He congratulates himself for the lie and watches Grace carefully. Finally, after a few seconds, she nods.

"I _will _meet her though."

It was bad enough lying to Rachel, but he can't tell Grace the truth either. She's a better person than him; she'd tell Shelby to go away, that she wouldn't hurt someone else just for Shelby's praise. But Jesse isn't like Grace.

So Jesse takes that as a warning.

**xxv.**

Rachel stands in front of him, anger in her eyes. She's shaking slightly as she straightens her posture, trying to reduce the size difference.

"I have to ask you something, and I need you to tell me the truth because if you don't there will be consequences. Because if I give myself to you and it turns out you're just playing me … I might die. Not literally, but emotionally. It'll be the kind of heartbreak that girls like me hold for the rest of their lives."

Jesse wants to tell himself that she's being a diva, but the way her eyes shine and the way her hands are shaking prove otherwise. He pushes down all feelings of guilt and laughs, inching closer so he can hold her arm gently.

"You're more of a drama queen than I am." He says, but she doesn't look like she's giving up with the I-might-die thing, and he's pretty sure that's not the road Shelby wants him to go down. So he steps back and holds out his hand.

"Hi, I'm Jesse. The guy who would never hurt you."

It works, as predicted. She smiles and falls into his arms. He holds her close and tries not to fall like she has, but then she kisses him and something changes. He knows this isn't a good thing – the way his body instantly relaxes against hers, and he can see Shelby at the side, a smirk on her face. So he closes his eyes and deepens the kiss, ignoring the way his stomach flips and his brain screams that this is so wrong.

And he knows this is all going to crash around him, that he'll break her heart and she'll crumble into pieces. But something about the way she looks at him, with adoration in her eyes, just makes him feel wanted for something other than his talent.

So he holds her close to prevent them both falling even deeper than they have already, and hopes this all works out in the end.

**xxvi.**

Finn is a problem.

Jesse watches them perform Hello Goodbye, sees the way Finn looks at her. Something has happened between them, because Rachel seems to be avoiding him, or at least making an effort to try and move out of his way. But then, if he looks deeper, he can see the way Rachel hesitates before looking away. The way their voices harmonise.

And then Rachel walks off at the end of the song, before anybody else even moves. Jesse knows that Finn is even more of a problem than he previously thought, and takes pride in knowing that Rachel's voice harmonises with his more than it ever will with Finns.

So he stands up and sneaks out of the auditorium, heading straight to where he knows Rachel will be, trying to ignore the reaction in his stomach that feels like jealousy.

**xxvii.**

"You're going to tell me what the hell is happening, Jesse, and you are going to tell _right now_."

Grace is standing in front of him, clutching the paper Jesse _knows _is his acceptance letter to William McKinley. He doesn't bother to look innocent, instead taking the letter from her and thinking of what to say.

"Don't you _dare_ lie to me, Jess. I've had enough of that from Dad, and you know it."

Jesse avoids her gaze because she's right and he's lying again. He wonders when exactly he went from telling Grace everything to hiding it all.

"Rachel is a member of New Directions. You know that our relationship was pretty much doomed from the start."

It hurts Jesse to know that this part is the truth – that even if he did (_does_) like Rachel, nothing could ever really happen. If (_when_) she finds out why Jesse is befriending her, she'll never want to see him again.

"So you decide to move to her school? Are you insane? You've known this girl for a few weeks and suddenly you're switching schools, switching _everything_, just to be with her? This isn't a romance novel, Jesse. This is just a disaster waiting to happen!"

A disaster he doesn't _want_ to happen but, inevitably, _will. _

"I asked for the truth, Jesse. I _know_ you, even if you have changed. You wouldn't drop Vocal Adrenaline, especially not for a girl. So when you want to tell me the truth, you know where to find me. But this is all going to blow up in your face – and you deserve to tell Rachel that."

Jesse wishes that Grace's fury makes him change his mind. He wishes that her words would convince him to tell Shelby he doesn't want to do this, or tell Rachel the truth.

He wishes that the anger behind Grace's sentences would make him realise how bad of a mistake he's making.

**xxviii.**

"This is Jesse. He's transferred from Carmel High and I hope you'll all give him a warm welcome."

This is the third time those words have been spoken, and Jesse still doesn't feel the least bit welcome. The history class he's standing in reacts as both his math and biology classes did – with hushed words and confused glances. He spies an empty seat and sits down, ignoring the slight huff of annoyance to his left.

"Isn't that the kid from Vocal Adrenaline?"

"I hear that he quit, apparently wasn't getting enough solos."

"Well _I _hear he got expelled."

Jesse rolls his eyes and doesn't say one thing the whole lesson.

After the lesson he hurries outside and comes face to face with Rachel. He grins (acting, of course) and pulls her into a hug. She walks with him along the corridor, the strange looks they get having little effect on Rachel other than the fact that she smiles brighter with every look.

"I love that we don't have to keep our relationship a secret anymore," Rachel says – a little louder than necessary, but Jesse never expected anything less.

He assumes the strange glances have less to do with their 'forbidden relationship' and more to do with the fact that Rachel has never been popular and now she's dating a senior.

Jesse doesn't mention this though – just lets Rachel smile at every student and teacher they pass, keeping his arm around her shoulders.

**xxix.**

"She trusts me."

Jesse lets this revelation sink in as he sits beside Shelby in the auditorium. Rehearsal finished a few minutes ago and even though Shelby told him to transfer to William McKinley she won't let him practice with Vocal Adrenaline. Jesse knows she really doesn't want to mess up the second chance she has with Rachel.

"I don't … I don't want to break that trust." He continues softly, avoiding Shelby's gaze. "I'm scared that if I betray her she'll break entirely."

He thinks back to Rachel's questioning before he moved schools – the way she insisted that she'd emotionally die if he was playing her, the way her voice wavered slightly as she looked him in the eye.

"I'm not your therapist, Jesse. Rachel is a strong girl – she's _my_ daughter, and you know how much this means to me. She'll never find out you were only there for me."

_What if I'm not there for you anymore?_

**xxx.**

Jesse decides that the students in New Directions have a lot more heart and emotion than Vocal Adrenaline. Not that they're _better_, because Vocal Adrenaline are obviously superior, but Jesse can't ever recall seeing such smiles on his team members faces as he does when he watches New Directions perform.

So he's not surprised that underneath the surface there's tension and jealously. When the Glist comes out he knows who the culprit is, even if Mr Schue and the rest of the Glee Club don't. But it's not Quinn he's concerned about - it's Rachel (it always is). When she reads the Glist her smile falls and her hands shake slightly before she puts on her mask of pretence (_I'm fine)_.

The mask does not work on him because, a lot of the time, he wears one of his own.

Jesse knows that she'll take this badly – that she'll try and 'fix' her unpopularity once more. He waits on edge for her inevitable crash, which eventually comes in the form of:

"I'm thinking of doing a music video for Run Joey Run."

He doesn't expect that – can't really understand why she'd pick that song, nor why she wanted to make a video. But he nods and says sure; he'll be in it.

Obviously he doesn't expect to watch Puck and Finn singing too. And it _hurts_ but it _shouldn't_ and he's just falling deeper and deeper into the spiral of never ending Rachel Berry.

**xxxi.**

He misses her.

It's another sign that he's falling (fallen) for her and he hates that he has a weakness. Vacation was meant to be fun, but all he can see is Rachel's tears and all he can smell is her apple shampoo.

Jesse wants to call her, or at least send her a text to ask how her Spring Break is going, but before he can the bitter hurt comes back to the surface and he hears the chorus of 'Run Joey Run' in his ears.

Grace spends Spring Break with then – adamant that she wouldn't be left behind. It takes hardly half an hour before everyone notices something is clearly wrong with Jesse. Vocal Adrenaline tries to cheer him up (Jesse figures his sister forced them into it) by going to a concert and then Grace drags him go-karting, but it's obvious even to the bored teenager at the repair shop that Jesse is somewhat depressed. Grace confronts him, asking what the hell has happened and asking if Rachel is alright, but apart for the flinch she sees when Rachel's name is mentioned she receives no response.

"This isn't like you, Jess. What's happened to you?"

Jesse wishes he could answer that question without the scent of apple shampoo trailing behind him wherever he goes.

_So run, Joey run, Joey run._

**xxxii.**

Shelby grows even more impatient over Spring Break.

"It's been a long time, Jesse, and Rachel still has no idea who I am."

Jesse wants to tell her that if she wants this so badly then she can go and screw up her relationship with her daughter, but instead he replies that he's trying, and if she wants this done right she has to give him a chance.

Though he still hasn't seen, heard from or contacted Rachel since their sort of break-up and he's not sure what to expect, let alone how to bring up the subject of her mother.

He wonders when this will blow up in his face and hopes that Shelby takes most of the impact.

**xxxiii.**

The cassette Shelby hands him looks too small for the destruction Jesse is afraid it will cause. She informs him that it's harmless, but the writing _Mother to Daughter_ does not seem like a small happy message in any way. Jesse wonders why, even now, he still won't tell Shelby that he doesn't want to do this.

He tricks himself into thinking that finding Shelby will be good for Rachel – she obviously wants to meet her mother, and this gives her an opportunity.

_But what if it goes wrong?_

Jesse knows Shelby. He knows that when she finds an older Rachel, she'll realise that what she wanted to gain all along, a young daughter – the baby she gave away, doesn't exist anymore. Instead, in her place, is a talented teenager who wants more than anything to perform, to finally be loved for her talent.

So Jesse takes the cassette tape and knows that he has to do this. Because if Rachel finally meets her mother than her questions can finally be asked. Even if they're the wrong answers.

**xxxiv.**

He knows where she'll be – it's Wednesday, three forty-five, so he heads to the ballet studio with determination, knowing that despite everything Rachel will still keep on schedule.

She's there (of course), twirling even though she looks tired. He watches in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt because he knows how important her schedule is.

"I can see you, you know."

He smiles because it's the same Rachel, her tone accusing and hard.

"Hi." He replies, stepping into the studio. She glares at him but returns the greeting. She looks nervous, even if she is trying to hide it.

Jesse wonders when he became such an expert in Rachel's body language.

"What were you rehearsing?"

It seems to be too much of a personal question because she hurries to her bag, cutting her lesson short by ten minutes to get away from him. Jesse pretends he doesn't care as he waits for her answer.

She mumbles about dreams and performing on Broadway and he smiles because this territory is so familiar.

"That's not a dream. A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true, all the hurt would go away. You singing 'Don't Cry for Me Argentina' in front of a sold out crowd isn't a fantasy – its inevitability."

And the gap between them closes as he wraps his arms around her, smiling at the way this is so familiar and _right._

"I thought you'd never come back." She whispers into his shirt, like she's telling her best kept secret to him.

"I miss all your drama." He replies, and then, quietly "I'd never leave."

He wishes it was the truth, but knows that it's far from it.

Later, as they walk down the hall, he asks what her dream is and hopes she won't say anything like –

"My mom. I would just … like to know who she is. Is it wrong to miss someone I've never met?"

He hopes she doesn't see his face fall as he realises _this is it_.

"No, it's not wrong. Let's check it out – if this is your dream then I'm not going to stop until it happens."

Rachel's dream coming true leading to his dream being crushed, he thinks as he watches her face lit up.

_A dream for a dream._

**xxxv.**

It's too easy. The way she leads him into the Rachel Berry museum with a smile on her face and her heart on her sleeve as she takes down the boxes labelled 'baby'. He looks on, fascinated at how young she was when she won her first competitions – how happy she looks holding her first trophy. She places the two boxes on her bed and starts to sort through them, and Jesse holds the tape in his hand, waiting for the perfect moment. He gently places it into the box and looks away hurriedly, focusing his eyes on a picture of six year old Rachel, cheeks flushed and arms around her fathers.

He counts to five before once more picking up the tape, faking innocence.

"What's this?" He asks, and pretends that he doesn't feel the least bit guilty when Rachel reads the writing excitedly.

She doesn't listen to the tape, and Jesse ignores the relief he feels – that he still has a few hours, maybe days, before she finally finds out who her mother is, before she leaves him.

So when she finally listens to the tape, and tells him excitedly that her mother is the Vocal Adrenaline coach, he smiles and hugs her, pretending he's happy when really his heart is sinking.

**xxxvi.**

She screams at him so loudly that Jesse would be surprised if he didn't expect it.

"I _hate _you!" She yells, striking him across the cheek. It stings long after she leaves him. "You are a _liar._"

He lets her cry and shout for five minutes before she collapses onto the stage, sobbing. He gently picks her up, wary of protest, but she doesn't move away from his hold.

"Did you ever love me? Or was that an act too?" She whispers into his shirt.

Jesse hesitates, unsure what to tell her– if it would change anything. But he's lied enough and Rachel deserves the truth, for once. And it's not the declaration he thought and hoped it would be, but he tells her anyway.

"Yes." He whispers, cradling her for the last time. "I love you."

**xxxvii.**

Vocal Adrenaline twists the facts. They see Rachel as the enemy and suddenly Jesse realises that they want revenge.

"She hurt you, and you either hurt her back or you're out."

Jesse thinks of Adam, of Tony, of freshman year.

"You can't do that. Rachel didn't do anything and if you kick me out you have no chance at sectionals, let alone regionals."

"We'll find someone. If you don't do this, then you won't have a chance. We'll make sure _everyone_ knows who you are. For all the wrong reasons."

Jesse takes the egg and feels the sudden sense of déjà vu wash over him. He doesn't have a choice – not really. Rachel already hates him, and singing is the only thing he has left.

So he nods, angry at them, angry at Shelby and angry at himself for ever agreeing to this in the first place.

And as Rachel's tears slide down her face along with the egg yolk, he realises that everything has crashed down around him, and there's not one thing he can do to stop it.

**xxxviii.**

He sits on the stage alone, wondering where the hell it all went wrong.

He doesn't hear someone sit beside him, but he knows it's Grace, even before she entwines their fingers in the one gesture he'll always hang on to. It would be funny if he didn't feel guilty. He's the older twin and her brother, and surely these two factors balance out to him protecting Grace, not vice versa? But Grace never did stick to rules. Not since she beat up those bullies way back in fourth grade.

"You screwed up, Jess," she says, voicing what he's been thinking ever since he saw the look on Rachel's face. She doesn't know how much he's ruined everything.

Jesse wants to protest, tell her it's not just his fault, that Rachel _should have know, damn it._ But what he actually says when he opens his mouth is "I know".

"I didn't mean for this to happen," he finally whispers, his voice frail. He feels horrible, weak, vulnerable, but all he can see is Rachel's eyes, shining with unshed tears. "I didn't mean to hurt her, Grace."

"It'll be okay, Jesse. Rachel will forgive you."

Jesse doesn't tell her to stop lying.

**xxxix.**

He phones her up three days after 'the disaster'.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," he whispers, but he knows she hears.

"I'm sorry, too. Sorry for believing it was actually real." And then he hears a dial tone before he can protest, before he can tell her that somewhere between the fake and the reality, he really did fall for her - did _love _her.

He stands still for a while, and pretends that the phone lost the connection. It's easier to deal with than Rachel finally giving up on him.

**xxxx.**

Three weeks after winning Regionals, Jesse gets punched in the face.

It was bound to happen at some point, but Jesse just didn't expect violence from Finn Hudson. Even as he cradled his broken nose he felt like laughing because this is what it comes down too.

"Don't you dare hurt her again."

Jesse doesn't quite understand how he would ever have another chance in which he could hurt her, because Rachel didn't answer his only call and never replied to his two texts. He gave up with the little dignity he had left and decided that he'll see her on Broadway in a few years, maybe that would be enough _(it wouldn't)_.

"There won't _be_ an again, Hudson." He finally replies, his voice thick with pain. Jesse blames in on the broken nose.

"You don't deserve her, Jesse." Are the last words Finn says before walking away.

Jesse wonders what the hell that means and watches the blood drip from his fingers, bright red against the darkness.

**xxxxii.**

Two months later Jesse gets a text that could only be from Rachel. Despite deleting her number from his phone a few days ago the words could only be from one person, and they sting.

_Parking lot, 7pm._

He goes, of course. To show that he's sorry and to deal with the humiliation from her and the rest of New Directions like he should have done all long. Except it's just Rachel there, alone. He walks up to her and neither of them say anything for a long time. It hurts to see her so vulnerable, to see what has happened to her because of _him._ But Jesse knows that he has to wait for her to say what she needs to, to give her the chance he never gave in the first place.

"You broke my heart."

Jesse flinches, but lets her continue.

"You hurt me and it took me a long time to even think about forgiving you, Jesse. I warned you that I would emotionally break and you still went on with your twisted plot. But I" she takes a breath, preparing herself for the words she can't take back "_love_ you, and I am sorry about your broken nose. But I'm not sorry about the slashed tires because you deserve that. So I forgive you, but if you ever, ever hurt me again then I won't hesitate to break more than your nose. Or get Finn and Puck to do it for me."

He nods, trying to mask the relief he feels wash over him. She smiles tentatively and he gently pulls her closer so that she fits in his arms.

"I'm not lying, Jesse. I am perfectly capable of destroying your future career."

He smiles softly, taking in the scent of apple shampoo. "I'm sorry, Rachel."

He feels her nod and doesn't say anything more – just holds her tighter in a promise that he'll never let her go.

**xxxxii.**

Rachel Berry is slightly crazy.

She's loud and obnoxious and a little bit rude, but she's Jesse's.

(And that's good enough for him).

_**fin.**_


End file.
